Through the snow.

She wasn't there.

Good, no explanation was needed. I scribbled on a sticky note and laid it on her desk, letting her know that I would be in the library way past when she went to bed. She wouldn't question that. I had been going more and more often so that this wouldn't look suspicious. Just another study night.

I went to my closet, got my thinnest coat and boots then walked back out the door.

I left my keys and my phone sitting on the desk.

I walked down the stairs and out the back door. It was freezing outside. The snow was blowing in my direction and my boots slumped through a foot of snow.

I walked till I couldn't see anymore, the snow was too thick and at 12 p.m. all the lights had been shut off.

So I sat down in the snow.

My thin sweat pants were instantly freezing, and my hands, that were laying on the soft powdery covering, began to lose feeling.

I took my snow boots off and laid them next to me. My toes lost feeling soon after.

I laid on my back and waited till the snow seeped through my sweatshirt, then I started crying. My tears froze almost instantly and my face became numb from the constant snow fall that I would not brush off.

After about 7 minutes I could not feel my arms or legs that were laying on each side of me. Only my torso moved and held warmth.

I felt each heart beat. Each terrified thump of the small red organ that realized its owner had given up. It rhythm sped up, trying to force the blood through the hardened veins in my limbs. Now my stomach was numb, and it was getting harder to breath. My lungs were getting stiffer from the cold air I was breathing in.

Again my heart kicked it up a notch, faster and hotter than before. Or maybe it just felt hot because every where else I felt nothing.

I replayed the day, found nothing that I enjoyed, or had caught my attention. Except that poster. That damn poster in the education building. The crisis center had put it up on their bulletin board and it read:

"You as a teacher and educator can change a life!

Come by the Crisis Center to learn how to help children in their time of need!

Suicide, Depression, ADHD, Addictions, Abuse, Money Issues.

You Can Help!

Depression is not something a hug can fix, but it sure can help!

"Suicide is a permanent Solution to a Temporary problem!"

A person who is Addicted to a substance can become free with your help!

Money should not be a reason for Divorce!

Abuse of any kind is Wrong! Find out Your rights!"

But I wasn't a teacher, and I hadn't gone to the center and it didn't feel like a temporary problem.

My heart started to give, its frantic beat gave way to hard lurches, and then to softer thumps, then to a cold slog.

Was this something I would regret?

It didn't feel like it now. The numbness was welcome, I liked that my heart was slowly giving in. It can only last so long when the brain keeps telling it to give up hope.

Give up Hope.

To lay down ones belief, or faith in something to come, or someone.

That's what I was doing.

Giving up my life, because my hopes had been lost.

A fresh burst of sobs tore from my throat, starting my heart up again in its frantic motion.

The tears froze with the others on her face, but they just kept coming.

I waited for five minutes before my body had cried all the tears that were left in my system.

My heart continued to beat.

Stop it. STOP that. We're done here.

What about your birthday? It asked. It's today. In fact in 2 hours it will be official that you have been breathing for 19 years. 19 years. You ready to give up now?

Shut up. It doesn't matter. Let me go. Stop trying.

Fine. It says. Tell me one more time. Tell me you've truly given up hope, tell me there is nothing left for you. Then I will quiet my beating forever. And we will be silenced.

I've truly given up hope. There is nothing left for me. I'm Done.

Oh. It remarked sadly. Well your decision is made. I will keep up my end of the bargain. Just know that I Loved you. And I would have been happy if you stayed alive.

Then it pumped one last time and fell quiet.

I drifted off, regretting that I hadn't asked its opinion first.